I am a people pleaser…
And I need to pay you more
I am a people pleaser.
There, I said it.
It fuels me, inspires me and utterly exhausts me.
Welcome to the human race.
We are made in connection, born in connection, often die through lack of connection.
Connection wires our brains, fuels our neurochemistry and grows our hearts. We need it like Oxygen. So says Dr Stephen Porges in his Polyvagal theory. A theory based on understanding the role of the vagus nerve, a nerve key to our regulation and toned through connection~ I am somewhat simplifying here! It’s known as Social Engagement Theory. I love this theory, live this theory and believe it. Connection is everything. And too much also challenges me.
Connection, like oxygen, in large volumes can be challenging, explosive even. For some of us, (maybe many of us?) its liberating, energising and also completely depleting and terrifying to spend our whole lives ‘putting ourselves out there’ in connection. On the front line, so to speak, risking judgement or popularity, interest or disdain, or worse, the possibility of being ignored or overlooked entirely.
I am a people pleaser.
I thrive on connection, good connections. The dopamine effect leaves me craving some connections, my reward system buzzing from the excitement and anticipation of more. That’s what drives Social Media of course. Ultimately though, we are all inherently selfish, looking out for number one. Looking for relationships that confirm or deny our own self-limiting beliefs about ourselves, desperate for alternative narratives and stories of possibility. Even the people pleasing nature of my behaviour is in order to feel better about myself and my own limiting beliefs. (We all have them btw)
Here’s one of mine. People don’t so much like you, as like what you can do for them. And honestly Coral, you exhaust them. Were you not useful, they wouldn’t bother
I am a people pleaser. I need to pay you more…..
Our beliefs about ourselves are learned so very young. Not usually in words, but in deeds, or misdeeds, mis-attunmements and brief moments. We learn our worth to our caregivers and what we must do, who we must be in order to deserve and acquire their love.
Or as Rodriguez says~ And you measure for wealth by the things you can hold and you measure of love, by the sweet things you’re told”
As many others, when I am slighted, its not the adult rational brain that feels the hurt, its the younger, oft shamed, overlooked, or maligned smaller child within me.
And then we continue for the rest of our short lives responding to, reflecting on, exploring and working through those narratives.
I am travelling this weekend with work colleagues. Friends. People I love. You get to know your travel companions really well when you leave familiar soil. You also get to know yourself a little more. 14 hours together and walking 10 miles in a day has left me a little bruised physically and ‘over-peopled’ emotionally. Travel involves compromise, cooperation, kindness, patience and energy. My own reflection through the observation of my own behaviour in navigating this challenge is that…
I am still a people pleaser.
I behave according to the belief that I need to buy the cocktails, pay for the taxi, agree with all the plans, keep going when I would rather retreat, be funny when I would rather be quiet, be quiet when I sometimes have something too controversial to say. All to quiet those small voices that remind me of my younger self.
And when I see and receive real love and kindness, it is all too easy to feel. Wow. This is new….I need to pay you more.
So go on. Judge me. But gently please?